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e1L1p4
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Name: Erica
Country: United States
State: New York
Metro: Troy
Birthday: 11/14/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: ice cream, travelling, London, shoes!, playing soccer, clubbing!, tea, stick-shift cars
Expertise: selling clothes, wasting time, curly hair
Occupation: Student
Industry: International Studies/Governme
Message: message me
AIM:  e1L1p4
MSN: msbeckham2383
Member Since:
11/30/2005
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| I can not remember the last time I was this pissed off. upset. insulted. offended. .....in my life.
I consider it one, usually forgivable, thing for someone that does not know me to ask my why I am in an Asian-interest sorority, or to question why I am so fascinated with Asian culture. It is a curiosity thing, and I can understand.
But. I had never considered that race would actually be an issue with people I consider family. I am the type of person that would drop whatever I am doing for most people I know. I consider relationships, in any form, incredibly important. And to be a good friend and dependable is to be a good and decent person. I also understand that not everyone shares these same views. And I do not expect others to drop everything for me. But for those that are my family, for those that I am bonded to and share history with, I would expect more.
I can not believe how much I was tossed aside today. I do not hide my feelings very well, which can be bad at times. But when there is something I like or I want, it is usually very clear. And to use that against me, to take it and throw it around, is so hurtful I can not fully understand how it happens. Just because I am considered by some to have different, unique interests does not mean that I am less of a person. It does not mean that what I like can be used against me. And it does not mean that I can be taken advantage of whenever it's convenient. I deserve to be treated with respect.
If my feelings are not known well enough to understand how much certain actions and words can be so downright mean, then you obviously don't know me that well, and I seem to be sticking my neck out for someone I don't know that well either. I promise, I will be much more cautious in the future.
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| I hate the unknown. But even worse, I hate when you can't tell which way it's gonna go: either in your favor or not. And I have this sinking feeling that I'm going to loose. It's like a cold: you can feel it coming days in advance and when it finally arrives you kick yourself for not taking any precautions. But this is not a cold that I am suspicious of. What happens if my sinking feeling comes true? What do I do then?
It's not the end of the world. But might as well be for me. I say out loud I'll just get trashed; take my feelings out in a bottle. But really, I'll be crushed. I'll either walk around in a daze, or just sit and cry and cry and cry. And there is no one to blame but myself. That's the worst part, there's no one else that can take the fall for me. It's all just sitting on my shoulders, weighing me down. Eating away at me like a virus.
I will feel like a complete fool. I will probably spend the entire time crying. And not into anyone's understanding arms, but into my lone empty ones.
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| it's amazing how much life can change with a little piece of news. i think it's so common place for people to say 'hit like a ton of bricks' or 'run over by a mactruck'. although you might not say those expressions, you've probably heard them or at least get what i'm trying to say. it's only when you receive a blow that you understand how those expressions came about.
i found out the other day some very sad news. and now when i look at my life in comparison i'm ashamed to complain about anything. i mean, really, life is pretty good for you and me. but it's so easy for that to change. it can change with a statement about your health, or a car accident, or walking down the damn street.
if there is one thing this news has taught me it is it appreciate what you have. to take things for granted is so selfish. so call your mom today and talk to her, not with a goal in mind, just to say hello. tell someone you love them because you actually do. do a favor for someone because you care. because tomorrow they may not be here. you may not be here. and regret is a terrible thing; it is no way to live. live in the moment, live in today.
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| i've never really been one to listen to what the majority of people say. i try to think for myself. i don't like generalities and try to make myself unique as much as possible to distinguish myself from everyone else.
but how am i supposed to be original when all of society dumps me into one group? how am i supposed to fight that stigma?
i hate double standards. i hate when i make a personal decision and all of a sudden i'm this type of individual. or i make one act, and all of a sudden this is who i am. i HATE assumptions and when people get to thinking about you because of one thing you did.
even more, i hate it when it comes from people that are supposed to be your friend. how can you do that to me? how can you joke and laugh with me and then behind my back create this identity of me that doesn't fit me at all? how, as my friend, can you judge me without giving me a chance? how can you not even come talk to me or question me?! what kind of friend are you!? what kind of world do i live in where my friends judge me and talk about me, without understanding how very very wrong they are?
i am so tired of this. i'm tired of trying to read between the lines....or trying to determine if there are lines to be read between! i'm tired of trying to be someone i'm not. and watching my every move, constantly questioning what i'm doing. but mostly, i'm tired of trying to be your friend when you don't even want to be mine.
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i've been back in philly for about 24 hours. and i already miss DC so much. not just the city, but the people, the atmosphere and distinct characteristics DC has that i've not found in any other city.
my heart breaks when i think about what i missed out on, or what could have happened had i overcome my fear. i return home from events like this, every damn time, hating myself for not having enough courage. i'm wondering what is going to have to finally happen in order for me to get over these feelings.
but more than that, no one seems to care about what i have to say. i have passions in life; there are things that inspire me, but i've noticed more and more that when these passions come up and i get into a heated argument or show some emotion in my conversation, i'm ignored. or worse, the topic changes when i'm mid-sentence. i am so embarrassed and so insignificant. i suppose i'm just waiting now until i can be around those that will care about what i have to say and will appreciate my opinion. until that day comes though, i will be quiet. as i have learned my lesson.
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